not_a_troll | 6.5 [anything goes]

[It’s heartbreaking in a way, how those quirks to Loki’s personality show through even when he’s so close to falling apart, from the quick gesture of approval to the joking way he advises her to hold on. She braces herself, a little afraid as Frakki starts to move, but Loki doesn’t have him moving fast and hopefully won’t, since they’re supposed to be looking for someone.]

Are there any places in the forest she’d frequent? [A typical question to ask during a search, but Pepper has another reason for saying it then. Loki needs to come to terms with the fact Leah is gone. His denial could become dangerous otherwise, and Pepper doesn’t want to see that happen.]

[Even though Loki is tempted to make Frakki go faster he doesn't do so. If they would search in a slow way they would have time to investigate every damned nook and cranny of the forest.

Loki chooses to focus on the fact that he knows he can deal with this properly. After all, he had to make bigger sacrifices in his life.]

Open spaces perhaps.

[There is absolute no reason for Leah to be in the forest, but he wishes to rule everything out.]

I am not entirely sure. The forest is a rather unlikely place where she could be. She is mostly where I am.

[He rides the horse away from the stables and crosses the square. He is chewing his lower lip constantly because its the only thing that manages to keep the tears away.]

Mostly where I am. It is the most bff thing to do. She would be where I am because I would be where she is.

We are without eachother.

[He doesn’t go quickly, despite that being an advantage of being on horseback. Pepper notes it but doesn’t prompt Loki to change his speed. Though it’s likely because he’s focused on the search, it will be better not to be racing through the woods on horseback if his emotions overwhelm him again. So she nods, and at least makes an effort to look out around them, searching for a girl she already knows won’t be there.

And Loki is realizing it too, slowly losing his ability to deny what his mind has likely already pieced together. Though she can’t see his face, there are still small signs of strain, of the effort it takes to piece together words without letting the emotion that should be behind them show. Then it doesn’t matter that they really are strangers; the fact that she’s supposed to hold onto him is a good enough excuse, and Pepper tightens her arms around him in a way that shifts from bracing herself to a hug.]

I’m sorry.

[Loki knows his way around the forests, at least for a large part. He looks around himself and sometimes gestures at Pepper to turn her flashlight on to light up a certain area even more. But eventually it is merely him pretending to still have hope.

He chooses to cling to that one positive thing. If Leah would've gone home, his older self would not be able to reach her or bring harm to her. She'd be safe. Her safety comes first. But besides that he'll miss her so very terribly.

He does not mind the arms wrapped around him, after all, Frakki does not really offer a lot of spots to hold on to. And he isn't identifying the tightening hold as a hug.]

I am quite sure Leah is able to defend herself against malicious forest creatures.

[His voice sounds neutral when he speaks. It is of great importance that he makes his voice sound as neutral as he can. He turns around halfway.]

There is no need for apologies. This search won't take awfully long either.

[She moves the light as she’s directed, shining the beam on whatever corners he needs illuminated, going along with the pretense even as time stretches, and the girl in question remains unfound. Loki presses on, though he claims that the search won’t take much time, leaving Pepper to shake her head when he comments on her remark.]

It’s not an apology so much as it is sympathy. [An empathic understanding of the loss Loki faces, summed up as inadequately as ever in two small words.] I know you must be hurting, even though you’re not letting it show.

Hope is a rather fragile thing. And I do not get much of it, alas. Ah...hold on.

[Loki clacks his tongue a couple of times to get Frakki to speed up a bit.]

Perhaps you are unaware of what pain has done to a Loki. My elder self is a perfect example of that. Pain corrupts, clouds the mind, twists your outlook on everything else.

I wish to stay sanguine, even though there is a significant amount of pain.

[Pain corrupts. Pepper thinks back on what she knows of her world’s Loki, what he told her of Odin and fathers. Still, even if that hurt is what drove Loki to invade Manhattan as he had, he isn’t the only one who has suffered.]

It doesn’t have to corrupt you. [Her arms tighten around him again, not only due to his warning.] There are people who have suffered and used that to motivate them to do good things. Tony’s one of those people. [A man who had seen and suffered, but took it all in and used it to become so much better.] He chose to be a superhero. You can choose to do something better with your pain, too.

[Loki notices how Pepper's arms tighten around his waist and yes, perhaps this is a hug. Because he's sad and struggling with a lot of things and yes, that is most definitely hug-worthy. Instead of tensing up he forces himself to relax and pretend not to take notice of it.

And she is right. Pain could be a motivator and eventually pain could be nullified by receiving praise or love or acceptance. And Loki treasured all of those things. Perhaps acceptance the most.

Pain was also a tool that could strengthen a well-chosen lie.]

It is all a matter of strength of mind and the like. And the will to change. Change is important, you see? I am glad Tony Stark has realized that as well.

Do you fear that I might end up as my elder self? After all, that is what everyone expects of me, right? A lot of 'I told you so's'

It’s not an entirely unreasonable thing be concerned about. [She says it gently, carefully, not wanting Loki to think that she’s already certain he will end up like the one from her world.] But you aren’t him, and our worlds aren’t the same, even if they’re really similar.

[Even if they both have Tony Stark. Pepper’s heard enough about the version of him from that universe to make sure her Tony never becomes like him if she can help it.]

I am not him. I am also quite tired of telling everyone that I am not him and that I might resemble him but that that does not mean I am going to be him. Because, indeed, our worlds differ.

[He lets Frakki slow down to a relaxed pace. He is still looking around but at least he knows now that he is looking around in vain.

Loki had not expected that Leah's disappearance would make him feel this sad. Even though he knew she would be safe, even though he knew she wouldn't be a subject to experiments or anything like that, he really misses her.

It makes him feel strangely empty and alone. While there was no reason for him to feel that way. He sighs briefly, hoping to clear his head enough.]

Perhaps we should return.

I didn't say you were. [Just that she could understand the fear. But Pepper's in a position of bias in regards to Tony, and who he is in other worlds. She has to believe that the younger Loki isn't the same on principle alone, and those who know Tony have said how different her version of him is.

She notices when Loki slows the horse, but doesn't say anything. Not until Loki offers the suggestion of returning, and she looks down when he sighs.]

If you're ready to, sure.

She is not in the forests. Thus she has gone home.

[And he's still here. That is the quite painful thing about it.]

I appreciate your help. You are most skilled when it comes to utilizing a flashlight.

[He tries a smile when he turns to look at Pepper and he also]

6.5 [anything goes]

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