not_a_troll | 6.5 [anything goes]

I hope you find her.

[Because Pepper's seen a few of these announcements lately, none of which are exactly welcome. Unfortunately Pepper's never met Leah, so the help she can offer is limited--even with that thorough description.]

[It takes a while before Loki answers her because he's busy searching and sometimes he leaves his journal closed.]

I hope so as well.

[There are some sounds audible on the background that might indicate that he is inside the stables.]

Even though I am quite aware that the meaning of hope and myself are not a 'match made in heaven', you see?

[Pepper doesn’t mind the late reply. It’s pretty understandable in the circumstances.]

I don’t think that matters too much. [Loki’s clearly concerned, and he wants to find a person who is dear to him. Unfortunately, there’s a very real possibility that Leah might not be there, and after a pause she asks something more.] Did you check her residence?

It is empty. I know what that might mean, but I also know that Leah is fond of taunting me. I rather hold on to that for now, yes?

Because if it is, she is doing a rather good job at it.

[His voice is not the voice of a hopeful person. There is a hint of desperation in it, but no hope.]

[Arguably desperation could almost be seen as a form of hope in this case, although it won’t do Loki any good.  Thinking that it’s a joke or a gag instead of Leah being gone falls squarely into the category of denial, and Pepper sighs softly, already certain of the truth.]

I really don’t--[But at the same time Loki seems aware of what he’s doing; it’s a conscious choice to believe what’s so unlikely, and Pepper can’t bring herself to be the one to shatter his illusions yet.  Maybe he’s just not ready to accept it.]

I thought I heard horses in the background before; are you in the stables?  [Not that she’s particularly close with Loki, but he did try to help her before—albeit in his own weird way.  And she doesn’t really want him to be alone when the  metaphorical dam breaks.]  I could meet you there to help look, if you want.

[His choice.  There are probably people Loki considers actual friends.  Or maybe he doesn’t want to be around anyone when his stubborn refusal finally gives.]

[Loki is good at lying to himself about his own well being. And he knows it as well. He is that good at it that he almost believes them. It is a form of protection.]

I am at the stables, yes. I am tacking up Frakki as we speak.

[A short silence. He does not know Pepper that well but the conversations he had with her had been pleasant.]

Of course. I am inside Frakki's stable if you need me. My plan is to search a part of the forest.

[Loki is fully aware how foolish he sounds but he rather does not want to give up on hope yet. He is a positive person and hope is a positive sentiment.]

Epic search party and the like.

Tacking?  You mean getting him ready to ride?

[That could be a problem; she means to keep Loki company, but if he’s planning on going on horseback she won’t be able to.  Still, she’s not going to discourage him, and it’ll take a bit for her to get to the stables besides.  Maybe if he waits, he’ll have time to calm a bit.]

Sure.  I’ll need to change first, but I shouldn’t be long.  Is that okay?

Aye. I haven't been able to search the southern part of the forest yet.

[He adjusts some belts.]

That is okay. I shall wait.

Alright.  I’ll be there soon.

[Although she doesn’t truly rush to get ready, Pepper doesn’t purposely delay, either.  Loki’s patience is no doubt wearing thin, and asking him to hold off the search for his dearest friend in favor of waiting for an acquaintance at best is cruel, regardless of Pepper’s intentions.

Eventually she does get there, careful as she walks around looking for the boy.]  Loki?  It’s Pepper.  I’m here.

[While Pepper takes her very sweet time to get changed Loki just picks one of the other horses and tacks it up as well. It takes his mind off of things. Its dumb, really, after Billy's spell. After everything. It is so foolish to hope to find her somewhere in the forest, reading by a fire or anything like that.

For a moment he allows himself to press his forehead against the left wall of the stable he is standing in to let out a soft sigh. He bites his lower lip very, very hard to not cry.

Its odd to feel alone while there is no reason to do so. He should've just talked to her when she was still there, he should've just protected her when he had to. A lot of things he should've done. Should've.

When the first sob makes it outside he quicky covers his mouth with the back of his hand. He can't really stop the tears from coming out anymore but at least he can muffle the sounds coming from his mouth.

The moment when he hears Pepper's voice he quickly moves again, quickly wiping away the tears while trying to steady his voice.]

I'm here. I have prepared a horse for you.

That was kind of you. [Although efficiency is the more likely motive, it's only right to thank him--especially since the effort is ultimately a wasted one.] But I'm afraid I don't know how to ride.

[But then Loki comes into view, and there are telltale signs he can't simply wipe away with the motion of a hand. Red eyes in particular, a consequence of tears that have given Pepper's away in the past, and reveal Loki's now. She lets out a slow breath, trying to pick her words carefully as she walks over to the boy.

Because he is a boy. Even if he shares a name and so many other traits with the man who tried to conquer her world--this Loki is by all appearances a child who has lost a very dear friend.]

Would you mind not telling anyone that? [Maybe it's a silly idea, but it's clear that Loki is trying to keep in his sorrow now, probably because she's there. So instead of trying to tell him that it's okay to let go in front of a virtual stranger, she tries a different approach--offering him the chance to let go in secret.] I'd really appreciate it if you didn't. I'd be willing to not tell anyone about something that you do; something you might not want anyone else to know about.

Edited 2013-03-13 00:12 (UTC)

You should've told me that earlier. Tacking up a horse is quite a hassle and my patience is wearing incredibly thin, you see?

[Loki nods shortly when Pepper enters before he crouches down and rummages through a brown shoulderbag. He fishes out a flashlight and a long scarf.]

That I have wept? No. Your secret is safe with me. If you were in a predicament like this you might have wept as well. And probably more since you are female.

[He hands Pepper the flashlight.]

Climb onto Frakki first, take the back of the saddle, I'll squeeze in in front. You take the flashlight, I take the horse.

This is a concept called team work.

I didn't realize you were going to tack up a horse for me.

[Pepper's gentle when she replies, but Loki only gets so many licenses. She holds back an urge to sigh when he sees right through her attempt, though she's a bit curious when he hands her the flashlight.]

You're still going to go looking. [She would've thought the tears were a sign of him giving up his denial, and she's a little surprised to hear otherwise.]

Perhaps I have not been clear enough. My apologies.

[It sounds a bit half-assed and he sighs.]

Yes, I still am going to look for her. I am quite aware of how foolish that might sound. I am not one for giving up. I have to rule out all options.

After that chances are quite big that I will weep some more.

[She won’t nitpick it; Loki’s apologized, and that’s enough. It’s strange, however, to see him right on the verge of denial an acceptance. He talks as if he’s very aware of what the reality must be, but still clinging to the hope that maybe it isn’t. It makes it a little easier not to talk him out of it; for someone in turmoil, he talks as if he’s thought this through pretty rationally.]

Okay. Then I’ll still go with you, if you don’t mind the company.

[Loki shakes his head.]

I do not mind.

[He knows he can use all the help he can get. He cannot do this alone. Alone is very awfully alone. And there's still this small voice inside his head screaming that Leah might be in the forests, cooking food above a fire. And then there was another voice telling him that she is gone and he should just accept it.

Loki takes a couple of steps towards Frakki and takes a hold of its headcollar.]

Take a seat, I promise Frakki will stay calm. He's quite a docile horse. You can utilize the stirrups to mount it.

[She nods, her thoughts running along those same lines. Maybe if Loki isn't alone while he searches, it will be easier--whatever happens.

Docile is probably for the best, and Pepper sighs as she braces herself for the attempt. She's seen it done but never tried herself, and Pepper gingerly puts one foot in the stirrup before gripping the saddle. She doesn't quite lift herself high enough the first time, though on the second she manages, swinging a leg over Frakki to settle herself atop him.]

Okay. Like this?

[Loki waits patiently, the expression on his face completely blank. He is more than aware of the rather destructive path his way of thinking has taken. But the pressure on him is different here, it is different from being blackmailed, it is different from others threathening to kill him. It is a certain dangerous instability.]

Aye.

[He gives her a short thumbs up before handing her the flashlight. After that he gathers his scarf and wraps it around his face, followed by a pair of warm gloves and a small shoulderbag with his belongings.

After that he mounts Frakki as well, squeezing himself between the horse and Pepper behind him.]

Keep arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times. And hold on tight, of course.

[After that he clacks his tongue a couple of times before holding on to the bridles tightly, steering Frakki out of the stables.]

[It’s heartbreaking in a way, how those quirks to Loki’s personality show through even when he’s so close to falling apart, from the quick gesture of approval to the joking way he advises her to hold on. She braces herself, a little afraid as Frakki starts to move, but Loki doesn’t have him moving fast and hopefully won’t, since they’re supposed to be looking for someone.]

Are there any places in the forest she’d frequent? [A typical question to ask during a search, but Pepper has another reason for saying it then. Loki needs to come to terms with the fact Leah is gone. His denial could become dangerous otherwise, and Pepper doesn’t want to see that happen.]

[Even though Loki is tempted to make Frakki go faster he doesn't do so. If they would search in a slow way they would have time to investigate every damned nook and cranny of the forest.

Loki chooses to focus on the fact that he knows he can deal with this properly. After all, he had to make bigger sacrifices in his life.]

Open spaces perhaps.

[There is absolute no reason for Leah to be in the forest, but he wishes to rule everything out.]

I am not entirely sure. The forest is a rather unlikely place where she could be. She is mostly where I am.

[He rides the horse away from the stables and crosses the square. He is chewing his lower lip constantly because its the only thing that manages to keep the tears away.]

Mostly where I am. It is the most bff thing to do. She would be where I am because I would be where she is.

We are without eachother.

[He doesn’t go quickly, despite that being an advantage of being on horseback. Pepper notes it but doesn’t prompt Loki to change his speed. Though it’s likely because he’s focused on the search, it will be better not to be racing through the woods on horseback if his emotions overwhelm him again. So she nods, and at least makes an effort to look out around them, searching for a girl she already knows won’t be there.

And Loki is realizing it too, slowly losing his ability to deny what his mind has likely already pieced together. Though she can’t see his face, there are still small signs of strain, of the effort it takes to piece together words without letting the emotion that should be behind them show. Then it doesn’t matter that they really are strangers; the fact that she’s supposed to hold onto him is a good enough excuse, and Pepper tightens her arms around him in a way that shifts from bracing herself to a hug.]

I’m sorry.

[Loki knows his way around the forests, at least for a large part. He looks around himself and sometimes gestures at Pepper to turn her flashlight on to light up a certain area even more. But eventually it is merely him pretending to still have hope.

He chooses to cling to that one positive thing. If Leah would've gone home, his older self would not be able to reach her or bring harm to her. She'd be safe. Her safety comes first. But besides that he'll miss her so very terribly.

He does not mind the arms wrapped around him, after all, Frakki does not really offer a lot of spots to hold on to. And he isn't identifying the tightening hold as a hug.]

I am quite sure Leah is able to defend herself against malicious forest creatures.

[His voice sounds neutral when he speaks. It is of great importance that he makes his voice sound as neutral as he can. He turns around halfway.]

There is no need for apologies. This search won't take awfully long either.

[She moves the light as she’s directed, shining the beam on whatever corners he needs illuminated, going along with the pretense even as time stretches, and the girl in question remains unfound. Loki presses on, though he claims that the search won’t take much time, leaving Pepper to shake her head when he comments on her remark.]

It’s not an apology so much as it is sympathy. [An empathic understanding of the loss Loki faces, summed up as inadequately as ever in two small words.] I know you must be hurting, even though you’re not letting it show.

Hope is a rather fragile thing. And I do not get much of it, alas. Ah...hold on.

[Loki clacks his tongue a couple of times to get Frakki to speed up a bit.]

Perhaps you are unaware of what pain has done to a Loki. My elder self is a perfect example of that. Pain corrupts, clouds the mind, twists your outlook on everything else.

I wish to stay sanguine, even though there is a significant amount of pain.

[Pain corrupts. Pepper thinks back on what she knows of her world’s Loki, what he told her of Odin and fathers. Still, even if that hurt is what drove Loki to invade Manhattan as he had, he isn’t the only one who has suffered.]

It doesn’t have to corrupt you. [Her arms tighten around him again, not only due to his warning.] There are people who have suffered and used that to motivate them to do good things. Tony’s one of those people. [A man who had seen and suffered, but took it all in and used it to become so much better.] He chose to be a superhero. You can choose to do something better with your pain, too.

6.5 [anything goes]

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