not_a_troll | 6.5 [anything goes]

I'm sure she is... but that never really made me feel better, either.

[He gets it. It hurts, no matter how "for the best" it's supposed to be. That's why he's not moving or letting go until Loki's ready.]

I wished to talk with her. I am not even able to do such a thing anymore.

[He lets go of Billy's hand and gestures wildly, revealing that there is a certain frustration.]

I have so much questions. No answers. It is such unfortunate timing, Billy. And while it is for the best, the timing is so very, very unfortunate!

[Loki looks at the other directly now, an obvious frown on his face.]

Because I could not protect her from my damned older self and his meddling ways because he is so nice and trustworthy. And now I cannot undo what I have done during the feast of Valentines. I want to tell her that us kissing is so very irrelevant to our best friendship forever! You see?

[So this is what they call word-vomit, apparently...]

By Odin's damned sores...

[Billy waits quietly, just letting him get it all out in the open. He knows this is needed sometimes, venting and ranting- and the only thing he can really offer is a sympathetic ear and some advice at this point. People need to deal with their grief in their own way.]

If you guys are really best friends, I'm sure she'd understand. It was just an experiment, and people did a lot of things they regret. I know I did.

[Loki paces through the room, obviously trying to keep his cool. He is not fond of anger or frustration but right now it keeps building up inside of him. Obviously he has never really had a reason to let it all out. But this reason right here is quite a very valid one.]

No. I am not sure, and I never will be sure.

[Finally he stops pacing and looks at Billy again. For a really long time, at least until the anger subsides and makes place for plans and plots.

His mind starts reeling about how to get back to Asgardia as soon as possible.]

Speaking of regrettable events. I shall tell you something. Something regrettable and secret. And don't you dare speak about it to anyone. If so, I will demote you from bro to vague, far away acquaintance.

[Billy's brows furrow at that - he's pretty good with other peoples' secrets, besides the fact that he tells Teddy everything, since they're just that sort of couple. But this sounds serious.]

Um. Yeah, of course. My word is my bond, and all that. What is it?

[Loki eyes Billy for a couple more minutes, making up his mind, clearing his head.]

I am still quite unsure about whatever bond you share with my other older self, and it is not my right to pry. So I shall not. But I do want to ask you to not interpret my words as me trying to damage his name, yes? Yes.

It is a general misconception. Me trying to damage him.

[He sits down on the bed, trying hard to not let the fact that the apartment is empty get to him.]

A while ago, a long while ago, even before I died, I had a conversation with one of the characters from the Midgardian series of Star Trek. The ones that get beamed up a lot. In passing I mentioned something about my other older self being a bit more evil than I am. I deemed it rather harmless, Spock of the Enterprise deemed it rather serious and went to my other older self.

[Loki raises a finger.]

Are you familiar with the phrase 'flipping shit', Billy of New York? I think my other older self has flipped a shit, you see? He flipped such an amount of shit, so to speak, that...eventually Luke Skywalker of Star Wars contacted me and requested me to attend a meeting with the other party in order to make peace.

He pointed out to me that my other older self is dangerous and that his mind is rather unstable. This is not news to me, of course. What is news to me is that he informed me about the lives that are at stake if I would not comply. As if I hold the key to my other older self's mental stability. To be put in such a position is quite odd...

[Loki looks up to Billy again, pausing his very long, long story.]

Am I still clear to you? If there are any questions so far I am willing to answer them.

[That's... complicated. And a bit messy. For a moment Billy is taken aback, not sure what to say or do. He mulls it over quietly for a bit, brows furrowed.

As usual, handling issues with Loki - either of them - is tricky, isn't it...]

I think... it's not just you. Who should be careful about him, I mean. We're all kind of tiptoeing around and keeping an eye on him. It's not like you or anyone else is responsible for him, mentally or otherwise. It's just- don't stick your fingers in the tiger's cage, you know? We don't want to piss him off when he's a timebomb just waiting to go off.

[Hrngh... he hates how that sounds like it's still this Loki's responsibility. How to phrase it... uh...]

Look, you're friends with Saori, right? And you're pretty close. BFFs and whatnot. Think about how you'd feel - and how she'd feel - if I went to her and told her that you're evil, just because you're Loki. Wouldn't you both have a problem with that?

[Loki shakes his head.]

Yes? So you would go to Saori and tell her I am evil since I am Loki. And she would ask you 'how is Loki evil? what evil things has he done?' And what would you answer? Besides 'well, he is Loki.'?

[Really, Billy? Really?]

That argument is completely and utterly invalid. It is not a correct representation of how it went.

I did not say it on purpose. It was a mere slip of the tongue. That is what it was. If you envision me walking towards Spock of the enterprise with the words 'Hello, Spock, please listen to my words, my older self is a creature of malice and pure evil', you are dreadfully wrong.

[It was a half-truth. He said it on purpose, yet he had never expected Spock to contact his older self about it.]

But my grand tale of regrettable events is not over yet. It has a startling and confusing finale.

During the meeting we came to an agreement that I did not agree with. I asked my older self to not contact Leah because...I wish...wished to protect her from him. I am not afraid of his words but I am afraid of what he can do.

Of course that did not stand. And of course I have not been aware that Leah and him had already met and that she had been following his lessons in magic.

Alas.... It does not really matter anymore. She went back to Asgardia and she is safe there. But what I do know that I have failed epically when it comes to protecting her. And I cannot undo that. It is a feeling that lingers and frankly, I miss her already.

[That isn't exactly what Billy was trying to imply, but Loki's already moved on and Billy doesn't feel like backtracking just to pick a fight, so he merely frowns and shrugs it off. Intent very rarely means much in situations like this, but that's a hard thing to get across to someone who's already angry and upset.]

It would be weird if you didn't miss her. And it's really hard to protect someone who doesn't want to be protected, too. Did you talk to her about your worries when it comes to the other Loki?

I did. She dismissed it. I knew she would. And I could not do anything. I have been bound by that agreement I made.

Breaking it would mean that I would tamper with my older self's mental state, yes? People would die. It would all be my fault...again.

[Loki notices he is getting angry. Really angry. That type of anger that comes to the surface once or twice in his life. The anger he felt after he left the meeting with empty hands. So he squeezes his eyes shut and pinches the bridge of his nose, trying to control his breathing.

After all, he was stronger than this.]

...Look, for it to be put that way- it's wrong. If he freaks out and gets people hurt or killed, it wouldn't be because anyone said or did anything, it'd be because he chose to do it. That's on him, not you.

[Billy crosses his arms, scowling and looking off to the side. It's a little disheartening that some of his idols are putting this kind of pressure on a kid, but lacking their side of the story, he can't really say much about that. He just hopes he can make this Loki understand the intent rather than pointing fingers.]

Just because they want you to be careful with your older self and not push him over the edge doesn't mean it's your fault if he falls. That isn't right, and they shouldn't have made you think that way. There's always a choice.

[Loki is afraid that things do not work that way.]

It is on him. But the question remains what or who will trigger him, you see? I will not seek him out.

[He huffs, the anger slowly disappearing again. Still, he keeps pinching the bridge of his nose.]

But how does one avoid an individual who is involved with everyone you know? Everyone. While being bound by an agreement and all you can do is shut your mouth and watch? I am not a big fan of such things. No one is. If there was a list of great popularity this would be the least popular thing.

[Loki crosses his arms and frowns. It is the first time he has decided to speak about this while not using half truths.]

If there is a choice in this matter, why do I feel like he is the only one whose feelings are being taken into account?

[The honesty is reason enough to take this very seriously, and that's exactly what Billy's going to do.]

I don't know. Like I said, it's not right. But I guess, if you're the one saying he's trouble, they're expecting you to... I dunno, "be the bigger man". In other words, don't initiate any kind of contact, and avoid confrontation that way. Like, even if you end up at the same places together because of who you're friends with, just don't talk to him.

It's not a great arrangement, I can't deny that. But if you want to keep your friends, I don't know what else you can do if they're not willing to stop being friends with him.

[And he knows he's kind of guilty of that himself, since he's not about to stop his magic lessons, but... ugh, he just hates that they've put that kind of responsibility on this Loki. It's not fair.]

No. I am not engaged in some great battle with my older counterpart for friends.

[Loki frowns deeply because, no, that is not what he wants. Yet...he did demand that from Leah. But she is a different case, she is more important than his own life. The first friend he made and the only one.]

All I can do is trust the friends I have. Friendship is all about trust, yes? Like I trust you to not ever tell my older self about this, even though you might prefer to trust him. Like I do not ask of you to tell me about the things he might say about me.

I wish to enter the state of 'not caring anymore', not about this agreement, not about his presence. As they say on Midgard 'not a rats ass'. A rats ass will not be given.

[Loki wonders if this could be the infamous 'snowball effect'. He feels frustration coming up, words rolling from his mouth non-stop.]

Perhaps I should grant him my great understanding and provide a reassuring pat on the back. And tell him I understand his situation and the pain he has gone through.

I should understand, right? Right, right, right.

But I have a hard time to do so. How odd is that...after all, who can understand Loki more than Loki? I expertise in loneliness and being despised by at least seven of the nine realms.

[He counts on his fingers while talking about the amount of realms that despise him.]

I don't know if it's that odd. Different universes, different people, you know? You're both Loki, sure, but that doesn't mean you're the same person. Just like you're not the same as the older Loki from our universe. You don't have to understand him because you haven't had his experiences.

[Billy frowns, watching Loki cautiously. He doesn't want to discourage this sudden and unexpected bout of honesty, but he doesn't want to end up saying the wrong thing, either.]

At least, that's what I believe, anyway.

I am aware of that. We are not the same person, we do not hail from the same Asgard either. We do not share the same background. Et cetera, et cetera. And so on, and so on.

[Loki's voice sounds a bit agitated when he says that. Maybe it is because he actually dreadfully tired. He refrains from going into his own older self. Things are more complicated regarding that and Billy does not have to know.

He sighs and notices once again how empty the apartment is. Finally he gets up again to check the cupboard. He knows Leah's other dress won't be hanging in it but just in case.

After that he turns towards Billy again.]

Thank you for your help. Although, I think I am in need of that thing they call 'alone time'.

[Billy's tempted to fight that, but he also knows the value of time spent away from friends- it means fewer responsibilities or expectations, less of a front required. Sometimes you just want to be alone, be it for tears or anger or just a sense of peace.

He's quiet for a moment, then nods, resting a hand briefly on Loki's shoulder before giving it a pat and backing towards the door.]

You know where to find me if you need anything. For what it's worth, we're here for you.

[He bumps Billy's hand lightly with a fist and nods slowly, realizing very well what these words mean. He isn't alone in this.

He doesn't look up when he answers the other.]

I will keep that in mind.

[He tells himself not to cry but he is already busy with wiping his eyes in a furious way even before Billy has left the room.

6.5 [anything goes]

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[action!] [why did you delete that post sdfkljsd I laughed so hard]

[action!] it was a gagtag silly 8D

[action!] Now I want them to have a rapbattle :"O

[action!] billy would fail so spectacularly at that

[action!] loki will misunderstand everything, it will be fabulous

[action!] loki will misunderstand everything, it will be fabulous

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[action!] [I'm so sorry for this tl;dr]

[action!] no worries I've had worse

[action!] Loki's just...so done with everything :')

[action!] poor babby's had it rough

[action!] U_U He has